The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
The contestants will start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and on down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up river to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they'll proceed to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each entrant will be driving a pink Volvo with a
"I'M GAY, I'M A VEGETARIAN, I VOTED FOR AL GORE, AND I'M HERE TO CONFISCATE YOUR FIREARMS!"
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me. Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down. Ok?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast. In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show.
That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up. We would get married now but we both failed out premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about before hand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad! Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from.
Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.
Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know -- there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly and Socks, too!
P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.
AlGoreithm (n: al-gore-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed
repeatedly until a desired result is produced.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," said replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded. "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the
balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't
know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no
idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor do I ever plan on it. Tell me... What did it taste like?"
The man answered after a moment of thought, "Well, it tasted like a cross
between whooping crane and spotted owl!"
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign-policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to re-roof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave. I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents...of two different sexes.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it's sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.
And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window to the salesman "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do", replied the salesman.
"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"A Republican," replied the salesman.
"Go to Hell!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Republican."
The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!", shouted the salesman.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.
"What's the matter?" she asks.
"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five
minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I
just killed the cow."
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
Now let's see here if I understand all this correctly. President Clinton has ordered our forces to engage an entrenched, politically motivated enemy, backed by the Russians, on their home ground, in a foreign civil war, in difficult terrain, with limited military objectives, bombing restrictions, boundary and operational restrictions, queasy allies, far across the ocean, with uncertain goals, without prior consultation with Congress, the potential for escalation, while limiting the forces at his disposal, and the majority of Americans opposed to or at least uncertain about the value of the action being worth American lives. So just what was it that he was opposed to in Vietnam?
Has had two mistresses since being elected to high office
Associates with con men and shady special interests
Consults with psychics
Chain smokes cigarettes
Relaxes every evening with 8-10 martinis
Has been kicked out of public office twice beofre his current position
Chain smokes cigars
Regularly sleeps until noon
Drinks a quarte of brandy an evening
Used opium in college
A decorated war hero
Is a vegetarian
He does not smoke
Only drinks an occasional glass of beer
Has a steady girlfriend and no illicit affairs
Loves animals, has three dogs
Candidate A: Franklin Delano Roosevelt Candidate B: Winston Churchill Candidate C: Adolf Hitler
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
THE MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, CNN, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America and the world is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act". Retroactive to the beginning of the summer, the ant was fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since
he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in
the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling
most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing
before a wildly applauding group of compatriots announcing that
a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read; Dear God' Thank-you very much for sending me the
money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through
Washington and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.
The only authorized users are members of
Congress, Supreme Court justices, and members of the diplomatic corps.
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."
1. "Family planning has many misconceptions."
2. "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
3. "No man is an Ireland."
4. "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
5. "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
6. "We have a permanent plan for the time being."
7. "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
8. "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
9. "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle
10. "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
11. "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
12. "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Barry (former indicted mayor of Washington, DC)
13. "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
14. "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
15. "I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron: Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog". The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6".
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me".
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so
help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton".
The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that while
capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound
asleep to the pleas of the people, leaving the future in a pile of
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said , "Ask not what you can do for your country." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good" say the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, " I
wish those girls would just shut up." Upon hearing this comment, the outraged
teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and
said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed." "This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
Here, just in time for spring, is a list of things that are now against the rules, according to the the sex-and-dating police. Read -- and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal from work, expulsion from school -- or worse!
LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors" distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park.
STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of "sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools." (Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.")
ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned altogether.)
EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a female student.
INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened."
RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment, according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this underpublicized offense: "receptive noninitiation."
FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a pernicious form of sexual discrimination.
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist."
HAMBURGERS. Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both revealing and compelling."
SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former editor of Ms.: If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist" sense of the term -- guilty of assault.
Source: The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide
by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf.
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
I have completely gotten over my disappointment at not winning a Grammy this year for my recording of Huckleberry Finn and losing out to Hillary Rodham Clinton and her drippy reading of the warmed-over cliches of her ghostwritten book, It Takes A Village, which wasn't an easy experience for me, but I have put it behind and moved on, which is my way. I am a forgiving man and I am happy for her. When you've spent two years seeing your name in the papers in the same sentence with the word "indictment," you certainly deserve a little pleasure now and then, however unearned. I have not forgiven the members of NARAS who voted for her, however, and I would like to punish them by making them listen to her recording.
She and I were in the Spoken Word category together, along with Charles Kuralt and Lauren Bacall and some other people, and I was all set to head off to Madison Square Garden in my tuxedo for the ceremony and then I heard on the radio that the First Lady was planning to attend, and at that point I realized that the fix was in. The Grammy folks were not about to have the First Lady of the United States come and sit in the arena and watch somebody else walk up and accept that award. No way. The envelope had been opened weeks before, perhaps even before the voting was completed.
(I would like to note here that when my wife and I attend a public event such as the Grammys, we do not tie up traffic throughout midtown Manhattan and strain the already-thin budget of the New York City police department, we simply board the subway, as any Democrat would, and ride to 34th Street and get off and walk into the Garden and take our seats, and one does wonder about a woman so needy for tokens of public approval that she would cause untold inconvenience to tens of thousands of Manhattan commuters just so she can hold a little trophy with a brass gramophone horn, but never mind that, it's not important, not to me anyway, I am over it.)
I had a graceful acceptance speech written out on an index card, which began, "Oh my gosh. I can't believe this. This is too much. I don't know what to say. You people are beautiful," and went on to talk about my mother and father, my producer Tom Mudge, and about the greatness of Mark Twain and Huckleberry Finn, and how I loved that book growing up in Minnesota on the banks of the Mississippi, and as I heard the emcees say my name in the list of nominees, for a moment I imagined that Mrs. Clinton might decline the award ("I couldn't possibly accept this honor when I look down the list of nominees and see someone whose work I admire as much as I---" etc.), but no, she clomped up the aisle to thunderous applause from the audience of elderly record company execs and their 19-year-old girlfriends --- and I'm not sure that the photographers got a clear picture of the First Lady behind the podium so you probably didn't see that hideous suit she was wearing, baby-blue the color of crib sheets, which was iding high on her hips, due to static cling, revealing a big run down the back of her (rather large) calves. Her necklace was seriously off-center, and her big silver bracelets jangled --- was it only me or did other people look at those and think of handcuffs? --- and her hair was dumb, as usual (she goes back and forth between looking like a Catholic schoolgirl and a hardened cocktail waitress) and she said something goody-two-shoes like what you'd expect Hillary Rodham Clinton to say, something about lighting one candle rather than curse the darkness, and then she clomped into the wings, and got into her limo and sped to the airport, tying up traffic for miles, including busloads of weeping children coming to the city to see plays or concerts they had been looking forward to for months and now would have to miss, thanks to her, but that's how life is, kiddoes. Get over it. I did.
I admit that my face burned when the First Lady's name, and not mine, was called, and that I felt awful, as if a speeding limo had splashed forty gallons of muddy water all over me, and that as she accepted her award, I had some serious doubts about her account of those missing Whitewater documents, and that I snuck out of the Garden, fast, before the ceremony was over. I didn't want to run into Al Franken, a fellow Minnesotan, who won the comedy award for Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot, knowing he would give me a big grin, as he is wont to do, and tell me that he voted for me, as he did the time I lost to George Carlin in the comedy category a few years ago. (The year before that, I lost to Magic Johnson, and the year before, I lost to Mother Teresa's album, The Rosary, which she made with Yo-Yo Ma and Willie Nelson.) Franken's book about Rush Limbaugh, which basically is some standup material and a couple newspaper columns packaged with a very clever title, has sold a gazillion copies, thanks in some small part to his appearance on "A Prairie Home Companion," when I mentioned his book about sixteen times in my generous introduction of Al. No, he has never asked me to appear on "Saturday Night Live," but that doesn't matter to me at all. I'm glad for Al, just as I'm glad for Mrs. Clinton.
I'm a Minnesotan, and we have good manners baked into us at an early age. We are brought up to be meek, to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies, to be good losers, and we get plenty of practice. So I'm over the Grammys. It's ancient history, as far as I'm concerned. I am too busy to hold a grudge, assuming I had one in the first place, which I did not. I congratulate the First Lady on her victory, and if she should run into serious legal complications in the next few years, the sort of thing that involves the posting of bail, I will be there for her, believe me.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." " -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
U.S. research has discovered that no two nations with McDonald's restaurants have ever gone to war. "This is no small achievement," adds The Sunday Telegraph. Last week, Belarus and Tahiti saw McDonald's restaurants open, bringing the tally to 101 countries. The so-called Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention, conceived by Thomas Friedman in The New York Times, holds that countries can only support a McDonald's when they have reached a sufficient level of economic prosperity and political stability to make
war unattractive to its people.
WASHINGTON.. Because I write about politics, people are forever asking me the best way to teach children how our system of government works. I tell them that they can give their own children a basic civics course right in their own homes.
I have discovered several simple devices that can illustrate to a child's mind the principles on which the modern state deals with it's citizens.
For example, I used to play the simple card game War with my son. After a while, when he thoroughly understood that the higher ranking cards beat the lower ranking ones. I created a new game I called Government. In this game, I was Government, and I won every trick, regardless of who had the better card. My boy soon lost interest in my new game, but I like to think it taught him a valuable lesson for later in life.
When your child is a little older, you can teach him about our tax system. Offer him, say, $10 to mow the lawn. When he has mowed it and asked to be paid, withhold $5 and explain that this is income tax. Give $1 to his younger brother and tell him that is "fair." Also, explain that you need the other $4 yourself to cover administrative cost. When he cries, tell him he is being "selfish" and "greedy." Later in life he will thank you.
Make as many rules as possible. Leave the reasons for them obscure. Enforce them arbitrarily. Accuse your child of breaking rules you have never told him about. Instill in him the feeling that rules are utterly irrational. This will prepare him for living under democratic government.
Set a bedtime for him and then send him to bed an hour early. When he tearfully accuses you of breaking the rules, explain that you made the rules and you can break interpret them in any way that seems appropriate to you, according to changing conditions. This will prepare him for the Supreme Court's concept of the U.S. Constitution as a "living document".
Promise often to take him to the movies or the zoo, and then, at the appointed hour, recline in an easy chair with a newspaper and tell him you have changed your plans. When he screams, "But you promised!" explain to him that it was a campaign promise.
Every now and then, without warning, slap your child. Then explain that this is defense. Tell him that you must be vigilant at all times to stop any potential enemy before he gets big enough to hurt you. This too your child will appreciate later in life.
At times you child will naturally express discontent with your methods. He may even give voice to petulant wish that he lived with another family. Tell him how lucky his is to be with you, and recount lurid stories of the cruelties of other parents. This will make him receptive to claims that the America of the postmodern welfare state is still the best and freest country on Earth.
Lie to your child constantly, Teach him that the meaning of words are continually "evolving."
Some readers may object that this is a poor way to raise a child.
A few may even call it child abuse. But that's the whole point:
Child Abuse is the best preparation for adult life under our form
Good government. Good government. Sit. Stay.
The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!"