(And other short, "virtual one-liner" comments.)
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the work itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you
should be at least this
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
you probably a man or a
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if he's
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as
you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or
in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually
wag his tail. What will a
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would
you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong
with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to
have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts
shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your
body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more
than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley
Winters star in the movie,
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when
he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I
ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb,
can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
Q: What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of
Q: What do you call a group of girls with no singing ability?
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Hang up and drive.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark,
Professionals built the Titanic.
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
Coffee, Chocolate, Men . . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Growing Old Is Inevitable - Growing Up Is Optional
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
First National Bank of Dad - Sorry, Closed
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
Gettin' married is like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
-- Minnie Pearl
In biblical times, men could have as many wives as he could
afford. Just like today.
-- Abigail Van Buren
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics
Cat: The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
-Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If you can pee this high, join the fire department.
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet O'Ryan's IrishPub, Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge,Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
Do me do me do me - Linda Lovelace
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,Arizona.
Make love, not war .- Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
-The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
-Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington,D.C.
Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
-Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom,
Express Lane: Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills
No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills,CA
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
It's never to late to have a happy childhood
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his while.
Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Lord, save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo.
We always knew that you could get AIDS from sex and now President Clinton has showed us you can get sex from aides.
They had a President's Day Sale at Macy's -- all men's pants were half off.
So: Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton
went to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. And
Dan Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the wizard for a
brain." And Newt Gingrich says, "I am going to ask
him for a heart." And Clinton says, "I wonder where
What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
"I don't know. I would call it quantum mechanics."
All generalizations are false.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
No radio - Already stolen.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
i souport publik edekashun.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.