"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order?"
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as
a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
"Well ya see Norm, it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, "My son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage," He explained. "As usual, it looked for a good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball."
Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better. On the 3d day it disappeared completely.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband said that she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been very depressed since she started seeing me last year.
The patient is tearful and crying. She appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has a past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkable and insignificant with only a 40 lb. weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me we should be able to get this women pregnant.
Since she cannot get pregnant by her husband, I thought that you might be able to work her up.
She is numb from the toes down.
While in the ER she was examined, x-rayed and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She states that she has been constipated most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today. She is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitals reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab tests indicate abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale and present.
The pelvic exam was done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt that we should sit on his abdomen, and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
|U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services Statistics|
|Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year:||120,000|
|Accidental deaths per physician:||0.171|
|Number of gun owners in the US:||80,000,000.|
|Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups):||1,500.|
|Accidental deaths per gun owner:||0.0000188|
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on
Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek
A guy walks into a psychologists office wearing a pair of shorts made from Saran wrap.
So the psychologist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
A doctor walked into a bank . Preparing to endorse a check he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it...
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,
"Well that's great ..........some asshole's got my pen "
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient..
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put them!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art at the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly decorated office, especially that one large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm
not a gynecologist.'"
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by
the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press -- no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our
operators are too busy to talk to you."
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that this poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too... and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand... especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex... and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advise and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty much aced the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on the task.
At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible
to have a grade like this. The instructor replied that it really
quite simple. He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the
engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an
additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
When he left the hospital, Joe was depressed, so he stopped at a men's shop for a new suit. The salesman eyed him and said, "44 long?"
"That's right," Joe said. He tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
"How about a new shirt?" the salesman asked. "Let's see, a 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck ought to do it."
"Right again," Joe said. "You're simply amazing."
"While we're at it, how about some new underwear?" the salesman suggested. He eyed Joe's waist and said, "Size 36."
"Nope, you finally missed one," Joe said, chuckling. "I wear size 34."
"You couldn't possibly," replied the salesman. "Underwear that tight would
create a great deal of pressure against your spine and cause one heck of a
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues.
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."
BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes Off
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"Did you check for breathing?"
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
( A word to any who might be offended by this - working in any high-stress environment where life and death decisions are a matter of hourly routine requires the development of a sense of humor to deal with it. If you're offended anyway, then I'm sorry, and hope the spray planes arrive soon)
YOU MIGHT BE AN ER PHYSICIAN/NURSE IF.......
1 - you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
2 - discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3 - you believe a good tape job will fix anything.
4 - you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
5 - you can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
6 - your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
7 - you find humor in other people's stupidity.
8 - you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
9 - you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
10- you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
11- when a patient presents with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
12- your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
13- you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
14- you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
15- you believe the govt should require a permit to reproduce.
16- you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
17- you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
18- you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" us uttered.
19- you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
20- your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
21- you believe chocolate is a food group.
22- when someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
23- when you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.
24- you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
25- you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
26- you have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".
27- you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
28- you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
29- your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.
30- you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".
31- you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
32- you have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."