Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch his nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light -- the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.
"Alright," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?"
"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The officer stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The officer says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm
This just goes to show the quality of our criminals has definitely taken a nose-dive!
Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be thief ran away and is still at large.
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told, "Stand there for a positive ID." To this instruction the man replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
The Air Force Officer manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Naval Officer scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Naval Officer walks over to the Air Force Officer and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty inter-service differences and live as friends instead of such rivals."
The Air Force Officer thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So the Air Force Officer pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Naval Officer, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new-found understanding and friendship." The Naval Officer says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Naval Officer hands it back to the Air Force Officer and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force Officer twists the cap back on the bottle and says,
think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and
1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69
percent of the bank holdups reported.
Read Newfpyr's masterful turning of the tables on a hacker... Certainly one of the best Absurd IMs we've EVER received! Newfpyr's comments are in brackets throughout.
Zabu451: Hello from America Online! I'm sorry to inform you that there has been an error in the I/O section of your account database, and this server's password information has been temporarily destroyed. We need you, the AOL user, to hit reply and type in your password. Thank you for your help.
Newfpyr: Hello! This is Server Manager #563. I'm sorry to hear that your server has lost the password info. I mean, this has been happening to much lately. We have developed some solutions to this problem. Have you got the mail sent out to all server managers?
NewfPyr: Really? Ouch. There's been some problems with the server mailer lately. Oh, well. Here's a solution to this problem: try connecting your backup database to your main I/O port, then accessing the system restart.
Zabu451: no i still need passwords
NewfPyr: I see. Do you want me to send you the list of all the passwords of all the screen names of your server?
Zabu451: ya i want that
NewfPyr: Let me get the server manager to send it...
NewfPyr: He says I need your server manager password. Could you please type it in?
Zabu451: i dont have one
NewfPyr: What do you mean? That's the first thing every manager gets!
Zabu451: it got deleted
NewfPyr: Wow! You must be having a lot of trouble. Let me find out what server you're using...
[Note: I checked his profile. It said he was from Springfield, Mass.]
NewfPyr: Okay, you're number has been tracked to an area in Springfield, Mass.
Zabu451: how did u know?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!
NewfPyr: I used Server Tracker 5.0 . Don't you have it?
Zabu451: do you know my address!?!?!?!!?!?
NewfPyr: Of course not.
NewfPyr: I only know the number you're calling AOL from, which is from your server, right?
NewfPyr: Good. Okay, now that we have you're number, we have you're address, and we are sending a repair team over there.
Zabu451: dont stop them now
NewfPyr: Why? Isn't your server down?
Zabu451: nonono its working now
NewfPyr: They're still coming, just in case.
Zabu451: STOP THEM NOW
NewfPyr: I can't break AOL Policy.
Zabu451: POEPLE ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!??
NewfPyr: No! To your server. You know, where you're calling AOL from.
Zabu451: im calling from my house
NewfPyr: But you said you where calling from the server!
Zabu451: i lied im not reely a server guy
NewfPyr: But you said you were!
Zabu451: i lied i trying to get passwords please make them stop
NewfPyr: Okay. The repair team isn't coming anymore.
NewfPyr: But a team of FBI agents is.
Zabu451: NONONONO Zabu451: im sorry
Zabu451: ill never do it again please make them not come
Zabu451: PLEASE IL STOP ASKING FOR PASSWORDS FOREVER PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!
NewfPyr: I'm sorry, I can't do that. They should be at your house in 5 minutes.
Zabu451: IM SORRY IL DO ANYTHING PLEASE I DONT WANT THEM TO HURT ME
NewfPyr: They won't hurt you! You'll probobly only spend a year of prison.
Zabu451: NO IM ONLY A KID
NewfPyr: You are? That makes it diferent. You wont go to prison for a year.
Zabu451: i thout so
NewfPyr: You'll go for two years.
Zabu451: NO! IM SORRY
Zabu451: PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP
[I thought this was enough. He was probably wetting his pants.]
NewfPyr:Since this was a first time offense, I think I can drop charges.
NewfPyr: The FBI agents have been withdrawn. If you ever do it again, we'll bump you off.
Zabu451:i wont im sorry goodbye
[He promptly signed off.]
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I wanted to ram this guy walking down the street cause he was so ugly I felt pity and wanted to relieve his misery.
The pedestrian ran into my car before I ran over him.
I shot the pedestrian before I hit him; therefore, he was already dead when I struck him.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try to stop a
child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or
they risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be
paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other
domesticated animals kept as pets.
Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride
in a public streetcar within four hours after eating garlic.
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she
"cannot hold onto the ground."
It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting
someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license
fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically
prohibits men from turning around on any city street and
looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a
crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to
wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Violators can be fined, arrested, or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of
three or more on private property.
A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt
and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without
first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
All lollipops are banned.
A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with
criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
PM: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
PM: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
PM: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
PM: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
PM: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicide intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."