These defy categorization.
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. How to Dress Sexy for Grownups
30. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
31. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
32. All Dogs Go to Hell
33. When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
34. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
35. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
36. Bi-Curious George
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "Its my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you each one wish before your whipping."
The Cubs fan was first in line, so he thought for awhile and said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Yankee fan was next up, and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan out crying his eyes out.
The Red Sox fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in the world. For this you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your Royal Highness," said the Red Sox fan. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome, and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Tie the Yankee fan to my back."
6:00 p.m. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
The sun melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow. 8" last night. The temperature dropped to 20 degrees. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
20 inch forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for my wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she is right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they are lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
Only 2" of snow today and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she....nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$&%$ slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's and idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 degrees and the pipes froze.
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!!
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
My immediate reaction was say that the area used to be filled with urban
sprawl and that our military had really been effective in leveling it all.
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
Dead men eat it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside
and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles
around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies,
"We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that
the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up,
gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real
sick people out there!"
Strawberries also have their little problems. For example, one strawberry said to another on a certain sad occasion: "If we hadn't been in the same bed we wouldn't both be in this jam now." -- The Hon. Sir George Bellow
Waiter: "How would you like your coffee, sir?"
Diner (who has dined well): "Waiter, let me tell you something. I like my coffee the same way as I like my women - hot, strong and sweet."
Waiter (deadpan): "Black or white, sir?"
lf at first you don't succeed your successor will. -- Lord Birdwood
There is only one ideal after-dinner speech - and it consists of just five words: "I will take the bill" -- Wyn Calvin
Wife, listening to her husband on the telephone, hears him say indignantly: "Don't ask me; ask the Coast Guard; ask the Meteorological Office." When he put the phone down she asks: "Who was that, dear?" "Some silly ass wanting to know if the coast were clear." -- Sir William Hildred
Irish barmaid: "I'm sorry, sir, the bar will not be open for half an hour - would you like a drink while you're waiting?" -- Judge John MacManus
Did you know that the first two astronauts who landed on the Moon were British? Naturally, one went out to look for a lunar pub, but when he came back he looked very glum. "Well," said his companion, "any luck?" The pioneer shook his head. "Useless. I found a pub, but it was no good. No atmosphere!" -- Patrick Moore
The professor was addressing an 8am lecture.
"I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five
minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air and then finish with a cold shower.
Then I feel rosy all over."
A sleepy voice from the back of the room: "Tell us more about Rosy."
-- Professor C.W. Ottaway
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you, anyway.
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
An elderly woman died last month. Having never
married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take
me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take
me out when I'm dead.
"Because people are sleeping."
missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right!
She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't
The other says, "are you sure?"
And the first atom says, "yeah, I'm positive."
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
Some further titles, out of numerical order:
THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station......
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it
going to be?
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
I try to pattern myself after Robin Hood.
You know, stealing from the rich and giv--
well, nobody's perfect.
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and
dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about
the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last
three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new
Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said,
'Sure, I'm game.'"
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee alot.
-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes, or no? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 4. How many outs in one inning of a baseball game? 5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? 6. Divide the number 30 by 1/2, and then add 10. What is the result? 7. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have? 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? (assume you follow directions) 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? 10. How many animals of each SPECIES did Moses bring with him on the ark? 11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh? 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 13. What was the President's name in 1960?
***NO CHEATING ***
So how do you think you did? (Scroll down for answers.)
TEST ANSWERS: 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? Yes, It comes right after the 3rd. 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? One (1). You can only be born once. 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 4. How many outs in one inning of a baseball game? Six (6) -- three for each team. 5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? No. He must be dead if it is his widow. 6. Divide the number 30 by 1/2, and then add 10. What is the result? Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60. 7. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have? Two (2). You took two apples, therefore YOU have TWO apples. 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? (assume you follow directions) One hour. First pill at 1:00, second at 1:30, third at 2:00. 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? Nine (9). Like it says, all BUT nine die 10. How many animals of each SPECIES did Moses have on the ark? None. Moses wasn't on the ark, either. 11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh? Who cares how tall he is? He weighs meat. 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE. 13. What was the President's name in 1960? Same as it is today. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.So, how did we do?
Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh.
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia dell'arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
Sixth Runner-Up: The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
Fifth Runner-Up: "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)
Fourth Runner-Up: He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)
Third-Runner-Up: Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)
Second Runner-Up: She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
First Runner-Up: It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington)
And the winner:
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J.F. Knowles, Springfield)
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse)
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. (Ralph Scott, Washington)
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist. (Greg Dobbins, Arlington)
He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. (Nanci Phillips Sharp, Gaithersburg)
You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides of beef, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in. (Alan S. Jarvis, Fredericksburg)
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul,Garrett Park)
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
Outside the little snow-covered cabin, a large pile of firewood was stacked like Pamela Anderson. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often. (Jim Seibert, Falls Church)
They were as good friends as the people on "Friends." (Katie Buckner, McLean)
Her breasts were like two mounds of flesh waiting to be compared to something. Something round. Perhaps some kind of citrus fruit. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes "Woo woo woo." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)
The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)
The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Joe was frustrated, like a man who thought his claim to fame was
occasional appearances in a weekly humor contest, but in fact is known
to millions as a stupid high school student who writes unintentionally
humorous bad analogies. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30.There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
33.Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
34.The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ...sort of: "Got a good woman... with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied.
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blue way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing
the blues. You best destroy it--with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or
get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 FAX family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '95 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outrage."
"A power... A power outrage? Ah-ha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr.Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you
10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that!
Wow!!! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for
someone to get back to me so that I could sign
up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you
are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they
wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date.
You were worried for nothing".
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu
Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get
any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and hurtles towards the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to
the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with a leading winemaker to produce wines at an affordable price. These are some suggested names:
Tiger responds "How can you do that? You're blind. "
Stevie says, "It's easy; I simply have a friend set me up over the ball, then he runs out into the fairway and starts making noise. I simply hit the ball towards the sound."
Tiger then asks, "Well, how do you putt on the greens?"
Again, Stevie says "My friend lines me up, then he lies down by the hole and makes noise and I putt towards the noise. "
Tiger then asks "How well do you play?"
Stevie replied "I am a scratch golfer, but I only like to play for money.
Tiger then suggests playing a round sometime. Stevie replies, "I only like to play for a lot of money." Tiger says, "How much?"
Stevie says "$10,000.00 a hole."
Tiger then realizes this might be a cash cow so he says "Let's play soon."
Stevie replies "OK, WHAT NIGHT IS GOOD FOR YOU?"
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a
lot better job lately."
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
A doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old an so he would stay upright. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right.
An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward.
Then a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned, "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
Finally, the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. Mr. Guinness
replies, "Nah - if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.
You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers".... it's the first time you have seen him/her nude.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the Midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.
Some recent winners:
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep."
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon--to become the woman he loved."
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death--in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.
4. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
6. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can't hid a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
8. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
9. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
10. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
11. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgment.
12. Always drink upstream from the herd.
13. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
14. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
15. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
16. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
17. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
18. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
"The little boat drifted gently across the still pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."
"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup."
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30."
"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."
"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three inch tree."
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in grease."
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph."
"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after 'Dr.' on a Dr. Pepper can."
"They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth."
"John and Mary had never met. They were like hummingbirds who had also never met."
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free."
"Her eyes were as blue as the ocean, and her dress was as red as China in the 1950's."
"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he really stinks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees
between north and south.
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using
lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look
at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?
wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear
my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why
did I invite all these people to dinner?
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for a place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a older proper looking British lady with a small dog sitting in the seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.
The woman insulted him, saying, "You Americans are so rude. Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
The exhausted man walked through the train again and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs. I even have a couple at home. I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down."
The snooty woman replied, "You Americans are not only rude, but you are also arrogant!"
He leaned against the wall for a time, utterly exhausted and finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I just please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant but you are also obnoxious."
Hearing her comment, the soldier calmly stepped forward, picked up the dog, threw it out the window. Then he sat down where the dog had been sitting. The lady was awestruck and speechless.
Across the isle, an older neatly dressed Englishman spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all Americans fit the lady's description
of you, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.
You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the
wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out the
Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Bloodhound + Borzoi Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example .........
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming --- then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
PRILEP, Macedonia (AP)
Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53 enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it.
Thus, that's how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
3) Human Rights organizations in Libya
4) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
5) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
6) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
7) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
8) Famous Hillbilly Physicists
9) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
10) Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
11) Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
12) Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
13) List of Fine Wines from Iran
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store
and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the
wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.)
the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
All My Love, Jimmy
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.
|So you're looking to buy a car? This is what your choice might be saying about yourself.|
|Acura Integra||I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars|
|Acura Legend||I'm too bland for German cars|
|Acura NSX||I am impotent|
|Audi 90||I enjoy putting out engine fires|
|Buick Park Avenue||I am older than 34 of the 50 states|
|Cadillac Eldorado||I am a very good Mary Kay salesman|
|Cadillac Seville||I am a pimp|
|Chevrolet Camaro||I enjoy beating the hell our of people|
|Chevrolet Chevette||I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette|
|Chevrolet Corvette||I'm in a mid-life crisis|
|Chevrolet El Camino||I am leading a militia to overthrow the government|
|Chrysler Cordoba||I dig the rich Corinthian leather|
|Datsun 280Z||I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well|
|Dodge Dart||I teach third grad special education and I voted for Eisenhower|
|Dodge Daytona||I delivered pizza for four years to get this car|
|Ferrari Testarossa||I am known to prematurely ejaculate|
|Ford Fairmont||(See Dodge Dart)|
|Ford Mustang||I slow down to 85 in school zones|
|Ford Crown Victoria||I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them|
|Geo Storm||I will start the 11th grade in the fall|
|Geo Tracker||I will start the 12th grade in the fall|
|Honda del Sol||I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all|
|Honda Civic||I have just graduated and have no credit|
|Honda Accord||I lack any originality and am basically a lemming|
|Infiniti Q45||I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending|
|Isuzu Impulse||I do not give a damn about JD Power or his reports|
|Jaguar XJ6||I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days/yr|
|Kia Sephia||I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.|
|Lamborghini Countach||I only have one testicle|
|Lincoln Town Car||I live for bingo and covered dish suppers|
|Mercury Grand Marquis||(See above)|
|Mercedes 500SL||I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph|
|Mercedes 560SEL||I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole|
|Mazda Miata||I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler|
|MGB||I am dating a mechanic|
|Mitsubishi Diamante||I don't know what that means either|
|Nissan 300ZX||I have yet to coplete my divorce proceedings|
|Oldsmobile Cutlass||I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts|
|Peugeot 505 Disel||I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List|
|Plymouth Neon||I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena|
|Pontiac Trans AM||I have a switchblade in my sock|
|Porsche 911 Turbo||I have a three inch thingie|
|Porsche 944||I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me|
|Saturn SC2||(See Honda Civic)|
|Subaru Legacy||I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu|
|Toyota Camry||I am still in the closet|
|Volkswagon Beetle||I still watch Partridge Family reruns|
|Volkswagon Cabriolet||I am out of the closet|
|Volkswagon Microbus||I am tripping right now|
|Volvo 740 Wagon||I am frightened of my wife|
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge, having a party Saturday, thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'" "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's
just gonna be the two of us".
The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh, that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I have a map of the United States that's 1:1 scale.
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
The mathematician thought for some minutes, and finally asked: "What would be the best question for me to ask, and what is the answer to it?"
(Clever guy it seems.)
The alien smiled slowly, then laughed, and replied: "The best
question which you could ask is the one which you asked; and I have
now given you my answer to it."
To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."
Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to 'let go', the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of prcatical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.
It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down be the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records.
The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no. one hold.
I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.
"Response to a wildfire on the south of France's Cote d'Azur was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire. All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found in the ashes.
"The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death. The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and swim fins."
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Sea-Tac airport. The fog is so thick that the visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark, and after an hour he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot then executes a swift 275 degree turn and performs a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway twenty-five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Simple," replied the pilot. "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is thirteen minutes away on a course of 187 degrees."
RULES OF LIFE
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge.. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
- A few clowns short of a circus.
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- A few beers short of a six-pack.
- Dumber than a box of hair.(rocks and hammers also work well here)
- A few peas short of a casserole.
- Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
- One taco short of a combination plate.
- A few feathers short of a whole duck.
- All foam, no beer.
- The cheese slid off her cracker.
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- As smart as bait.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
- Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
- Her sewing machine's out of thread.
- He's about as sharp as a bowling ball.
- He's got the whole six-pack, he just doesn't have the little plastic thingy that holds it all together.
- His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
- If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
- No grain in the silo.
- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- Receiver is off the hook.
- Several nuts short of a full pouch.
- Skylight leaks a little.
- Slinky's kinked.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Too much yardage between the goal posts.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- The lights are on, but nobody's home.
- 24 cents short of a quarter
- Not threaded all the way on.
- Came from the shallow end of the gene pool.
- Has one wheel in the sand.
- Would be over his head in a parking lot puddle.
- Has a room upstairs that is not finished.
- 2 bars short of a Samba
- driveway doesn't come all the way to the house
- Not the whole shilling
- A few rows short of a spreadsheet
- went in with the bread and came out with the buns
- Dumb as a sack of dog hair
- sharp as a frog's tooth
- His bread ain't quite riz
- If brains was lard that boy couldn't grease a pan
- He ain't got both oars in the water
- He's not the coldest beer in the cooler
- He's about an eggroll shy of a combo platter
- Lots of static in his attic
- If brains was leather, he couldn't saddle a bug.
- If you put his brain in a walnut shell and shook it,it would rattle.
- sharp as a marble
- The door is opened and the breeze is blowing through the windows
- the lights are on but nobody's home
- Completely hatstand
- mad as a fish
- A kit short of a kaboodle
- His train doesn't stop at all the stations
- Makes Ted Bundy look cuddly
- His head is full of chewed bread
- He came up the Thames on a water biscuit
- Only visiting the land of the sane
- He's Perceptionally challenged
- He's half past six.
- He's an ace short of a deck
- Two coupons short of a toast rack
- He's got two clues; one's lost and the other's out looking for it.
- Useless as tits on a bull.
- He's got more paint on his shirt than his brush.
- Not the sharpest tool in the box
- Food, rug, and a whole colony of ants, short of a picnic
- He'd argue with a sign-post
- One more brain cell & he'd be a plant.
- Stuck on the first rung of the evolutionary ladder
- Doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain
- If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose
- He's got a room-temperature IQ
- Sharp as a sausage
- Thicker than a whale omlette
- As bright as a five-Watt bulb.
- If people were dominos, he'd be the double blank.
- Half a bubble off plumb
- If wit were wool, he couldn't knit a flea a pair of gaiters
- He's a bubble short of a foam bath
- He's as much use as a wooden man made 'o smoke
- A sausage short of a barbeque.
- Measures his IQ to a decimal point recurring
- Has as much intelligence as God gave gravel.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- I've eaten cheese more mature than him...
- A ringtone short of a mobile.
- The plug is in but the fuse has blown....
- If brains were gun powder he couldn't blow his nose
- As welcome as a fart in a spacesuit...
- He's got Lapsus of the Synapsus.
- He has a mind like a steel sieve
- He could have a battle of wits with a tree and lose.
- A village somewhere is missing its idiot
- If stupid was a brick, she'd be a stadium.
- So dumb he looked like a duck at a cock fight.
- He's got his solar panels on the north side.