Ethnic Jokes

Ethnic jokes are usually tasteless; I include those here that have some redeeming value, or illustrate some classic ethnic joke motif.


European Heaven:
             The cooks are French
             The policemen are British
             The lovers are Italian
             The mechanics are German
             Things are run by the Swiss

European Hell:
             The cooks are British
             The policemen are German
             The lovers are Swiss
             The mechanics are French
             Things are run by the Italians

A Harry Chapin hack: The Peking Moon

Brothel Visit

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!” and walks quickly away!

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn’t seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, ”NO WAY, BUDDY!”,smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She’s sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.

She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can’t pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Canadian dollars?”

Simon Hughes in his book "Yakking Around the World" offers the following advice:
"There's a simple test you can conduct to avoid embarrassment if you're not sure whether someone's a Kiwi or an Aussie. Ask the bloke if he ever made love to a fourteen-year-old. If he's a New Zealander he'll say, 'Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it. That's a disgusting idea.'

If he's an Australian he'll say, "A fourteen-year-old what?'"



8:00 Husseinfeld

8:30 Mad About Everything

9:00 Monday Night Stoning

9:30 Win Bin Laden's Money

10:00 Eye for an Eye Witness News


8:00 Wheel of Terror and Fortune

8:30 The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right

9:00 Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things

9:30 Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

10:00 My Mullah the Car


8:00 Beat The Press

8:30 Whose Jihad Is It Anyway?

9:00 Married With 139 Children

9:30 Just Shoot Everything

10:00 Veil Watch


8:00 Osama and Grace

8:30 Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?

9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils

9:30 Sponge Bob Square Turban

10:00 My Favorite Martyr


8:00 Judge Omar

8:30 TeleTalibans

9:00 Captured Taliban Soldiers Say the Darndest Things

9:30 Cave and Garden Television

10:00 Allah McBeal

Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says: "I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?"

"I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."

So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?
Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.

So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"

"Hello? Funeral home?"
"It's Ole. My wife Lena died. "
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?"
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. "
"Can you spell that for me? "
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der? "

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Joseph Lieberman runs and becomes Vice President of the United States. He calls his mother and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.

She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble ... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the Vice President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

To which his mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle ... it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the Vice President of the United States! I'll send Air Force Two for you - - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab ... it's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the Vice President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice ... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, . .."

He answers, "Mom! I'm the Vice President! I already asked Al. The Lincoln bedroom is yours. You'll stay at the White House!"

She responds, "Well ... all right ... I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia ... so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone, I hope

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a caucasian baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............


  1. His first name was Jesus
  2. He was bilingual
  3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that.......


  1. He called everybody "brother"
  2. He liked Gospel Music
  3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that.....


  1. He went into His Father's business
  2. He lived at home until he was 33
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that....... 


  1. He talked with his hands
  2. He had wine with every meal
  3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that....... 


  1. He never cut his hair
  2. He walked around barefoot
  3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that....... 


  1. He never got married
  2. He was always telling stories
  3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence......... 


  1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food;
  2. He kept trying to get an important message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT;
  3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.


It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.


The following people are stranded on a desert island:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman and she is too sunburned to care.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who, after calling them both 'bloody wankers," is checking out all the other men.

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

A Scotsman became shipwrecked and finally washed a shore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad native girl standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' itten a bite in many days noo and I'm verra hungry!

She disappears into the jungle and returns with a heaping serving of haggis. When he has finally choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Och, aye! That haggis made me verra thursty and I wud verra much like a drink!"

She again goes off into the jungle and returns with a bottle of 75 year old single malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scot is beginning to think he's died and gone to heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

Och, lassie! Don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!!!

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."


There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

News Flash: Plane Crash in Poland

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane (two seat aircraft) crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion... "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

Typical New Yorker

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, and the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Some Irish Jokes

"Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"

Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"

"Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

Maureen O'Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to meet the cab, she had left her purse behind. As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride. In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this, Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now." The driver was...well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off." Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."

"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."
"Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.

Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?"
"Saints!" exclamed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"

Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid. As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available. Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used. Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty. "Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said, impressed. "Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose. After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service. Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout. "But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to." Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?" "Why, they're in the loo, of course."

Newly arrived in Boston from the old country, Paddy O'Shea called his brother back home. "Sean, it's amazin, these American cities. On most every street, they got glass outhouses, and it's telephones they put in 'em!"